Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
