Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I looked at my own cervix.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
