I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
