I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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