Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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