More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
