So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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