I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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