Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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