I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
