ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I deserve this hangover.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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