I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
