thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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