i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
