She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
