You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
