In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
