Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
