My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
