i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
