How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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