well I can't set my house on fire every night
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
