i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
