Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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