my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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