But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
