Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
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I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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