I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
