Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dear god my vagina.
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