I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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