I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Randomize
