Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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