i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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