Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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