I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
