I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
