I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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