I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
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Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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