The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
