Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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