Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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