I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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