He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
