Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
