This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
