why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
cat food counts as protein by the way
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
