I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
