i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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