Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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