i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
