You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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