I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
