well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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