stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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