First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
