They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
