i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
