i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
